Broke in Bermuda

Travel home day arrived like a kick in the testicles. I flung open the curtains to greet whatever the day had in store for me. I’m a MAN, I can take it!… rain?! I started to cry. I hate rain. Why did god ruin the last day of my holiday. In an unusual moment of reflection later I realise actually this is perfect. The weather here has changed for the worse. The UK is heading into a heatwave. Looks like I’m winning at life. Who needs rainy Bermuda. I abandon plans for a dawn assault on the landing beaches and instead set about collecting two weeks worth of dirty under crackers from around the room and securing them in my case with the standard detritus of a two week getaway in the sun. This includes two T-shirts I’ll never ever wear. A chonk of a book that for some reason was free. I’m expecting halfway through I’ll decide I believe in some weird Bermudan deity and start praying to a bottle of rum each morning. What else do we have…. Crockery… why do we have crockery? I don’t effing know!...

The morning started with me lying in bed finishing off the sweary masterpiece that was yesterday’s post. I checked if it was light yet by loading a Bermuda webcam. The windows were just too far from the bed and anyway it’s too cold to move in here. Snuckems has the air con on maximum all night because her husband is SO HOT!   In the top ten dull thinks to do in Bermuda, number 3 was visit a lighthouse. Gibbs lighthouse was just a short 10km stroll from our hotel, so before 7am I set out. Armed with my phone and very little else. Why would I need anything else.   The aforementioned little lady was to meet me at the lighthouse after travelling the same simple route via a boat going in the wrong direction and then a bus.   To my amazement she actually made it out of bed in time to catch the ferry. All was going according to plan. Except for the fact my incredibly impressive calves had powered me to a very early victory. Pushing old women, children and chickens out of the way...

I think I’m done with Bermuda. It’s all so samey now! Get up, walk to a beach, acknowledge guy smoking weed, shoes off, walk through the surf, take ANOTHER photo of the sun rising, video the waves lapping against the shore. Now do I walk up and down the same beach again. I dunno, will those girls run mostly naked into the sea? Oooh look a cute doggo. You know retirement really is ok at 6.30am in Bermuda. We have like two days left.   We should probably go and see that lighthouse, or another beach. Maybe we could find a bar that does a rum cocktail to their own original recipe. No, today is a pool day. From beach to pool. Yeah but first breakfast… We are on the 9.20am ferry to bacon sarnies and beans on toast. Obviously, I’m having avocado toast with added cheese and egg and shit. It’s what all the up and coming Bermy wankers are having. Snuckems is having an Omelette. Sorry. And sorry if this is getting sweary quite early. Snuckems had a fucking Taj fucking Mahal fucking Omelette. ...