Lighthouse
The morning started with me lying in bed finishing off the sweary masterpiece that was yesterday’s post. I checked if it was light yet by loading a Bermuda webcam. The windows were just too far from the bed and anyway it’s too cold to move in here. Snuckems has the air con on maximum all night because her husband is SO HOT! In the top ten dull thinks to do in Bermuda, number 3 was visit a lighthouse. Gibbs lighthouse was just a short 10km stroll from our hotel, so before 7am I set out. Armed with my phone and very little else. Why would I need anything else. The aforementioned little lady was to meet me at the lighthouse after travelling the same simple route via a boat going in the wrong direction and then a bus.
To my amazement she actually made it out of bed in time to catch the ferry. All was going according to plan. Except for the fact my incredibly impressive calves had powered me to a very early victory. Pushing old women, children and chickens out of the way I had arrived at the lighthouse well ahead of schedule. This was even taking into account the incident where at a junction in the path a rather large cock emerged from the bushes and surprised both me and a woman approaching from the left. She gave me that… “Is that your cock?” look. I was equally surprised. Impressive though the cock was it was certainly nothing to do with me!
Anyway back at the light house nothing was happening. It was 8.30am ish and the Lighthouse opens at 10am. So… I stood in awe of this phallic masterpiece for a couple of minutes. I checked the lighthouse gift shop and the lighthouse restaurant doors. They had that “we are going to be locked for another 1.5 hours feel about them. I resolved to find coffee and return. Now I don’t know if you’ve noticed this about lighthouses, they tend to build them where plenty of people can see them. This being Bermuda, everything is cool and easy. They couldn’t be bothered to build two, so they went for one mammoth one in the middle of the island on top of a hill.
I checked my map for likely candidates for coffee and bacon sandwiches. Disappointingly, the Henry VIII pub and Sushi Bar was closed until noon. The Wyndham Sonesta hotel, closed and demolished in 2007. Possibly the most picturesque demolished hotel I’ve ever seen.
Coconuts cafe at the Coco Reef. I descended 637 steps to stand in this cafe. Closed. The Princess Beach Club.. are you a guest sir, no? Sling your hook!
Tired and thirsty I walk further down the hill in search of perhaps a glass of water. Oh here is a gentleman cutting a privet hedge. I wonder if he can help.
As I go to call out to him my eyes focus on his pruning shears of choice. In this second shot you can clearly make out an 18 inch machete!!!
He’d made a very neat job of the hedge. Did I want to ask him if he knew the location of the nearest artisan coffee shop so I could get a venti skinny iced mocha choco latte. No! No I did not!!
He stalked off into the hotel complex. Possibly to consult a topiary instruction manual. I jogged past being careful not to kick his leaves.
Tell you what, there’s a bus stop. I’m just going to make a move to the next town. Snuckems can meet me there. I look down to text her. The bus sails past me. Following bus is in 15 mins. I make the decision to walk to the next bus stop in the now baking sun beacuse what else am I going to do? Well, I could have waited in the shade of bus stop 1. Bus stop 2 had no shade. 10 mins later bus 2 arrives. Stops. Driver opens the door to tell me he’s turning around at the next stop. So basically do one fatty! The cool air from inside the bus briefly reaches me, the doors close. And you’re back in the sun. ‘Oh dear’ Steve thought, because his mother doesn’t think he should swear in blogs. Oh dear oh dear oh dear. Another 15 mins in the shade of … oh silly me… there is no shade.
Bus 3 is due at 10am. The same time the lighthouse which is now approximately an up hill one mile away FLIPPING opens!!!!! I could walk back. But if I make privet guy angry I may not live to see the lighthouse after all.
Sigh, I eventually catch the bus. However, 2 mins in to the journey we meet temporary traffic lights. The bus doesn't move for 5 minutes then we have forward motion. A machine is eating tarmac and spitting it into a lorry ahead. The bus screeches to a halt as its wing mirror and the tarmac eater collide. Both drivers scream at each other. Apparently tarmac eaters don’t have a reverse gear and neither do angry bus drivers. There is some grinding of metal on metal, the bus driver and tarmac eater driver both laugh hysterically advise each other to “Stay Black” and we are off again!
I just wanted to see the pretty lighthouse and have a drink of coffee maybe. God seemingly had other plans for me and it involved death.
Eventually we made it to our destination, alive. It had been invaded with cruisers. Snuckems arrived and decided we wanted bubble tea. I did not want bubble tea. I had man’s Diet Coke. They had a selection of UK chocolates, so I picked up a Snickers and a Mars Bar. “So, bubble tea and Diet Coke, anything else?” We pointed to the chocolates in my hand and said “these too”. The transaction was complete at a very very reasonable price. Silly girl had failed to charge for the chocolates. We both realised instantly. Snuckems told me to put them in my pocket and leave the store. There’s another side to her that most people don’t see. Basically a cold hearted criminal.
I felt ashamed and guilty for the rest of the morning. That said. Free chocolate. Yum yum!
The plan had been to buy some souvenirs, ash trays and shot glasses, and then board a ferry to head to our favourite cocktail establishment for a Swizzle or three. Unfortunately, we decided to consult the ferry timetable just as one was departing. This left us with a problem. Did we hang around and wait for the Bermuda Chocolate Police to arrest us? Or did we just jump on the next bus out of there and affect our getaway?! The bus won. You'll never take us alive Rozzers!!
A hearty lunch of salad was accompanied by sparkling water because we thought we’d push the boat out.
Back at the pool later, Thermometer Guy had met Apple Watch Guy. Apple Watch Guy was dying to show off the fact his watch would measure the hot tub temperature. Before the Watch could do its thing… Thermometer guy told him it was 100.4F. If Apple Watch Guy’s crest had been anymore fallen he would have just waded off into the deep end and drown himself. A $800 Watch defeated by a $10 thermometer.
I have no idea of the logical connection but in the next exert of the conversation I hear they are discussing The Crown on Netflix. Oh god I want to leave Bermuda and get back to Wolverhampton. I walk away and take pictures of the sun setting behind a rain cloud (it doesn’t rain in Bermuda, so I’m guessing it was smoke or something.
I turn back to the pool and Snuckems is kind of posing for pics. Just being silly and expecting I will take a pic. Well, I’d publish the pics but the presence of a mostly naked young boy in the background would probably mean I’d be arrested by the woke police.
Tomorrow is our last day. Transport is booked to the airport for me and the little lady. A bargain $18 each. Thinking about it, if we’d had less cocktails we could probably have afforded a taxi.
By the time I get home, I will probably have done approximately 250,000 steps on this holiday. We will have drunk approximately 250 cocktails and had at least 25 mocha choco lattes on ice.
Many of my steps were bare foot on beaches that made you want to get naked and run into the sea. Note: Nudity on beaches is strictly prohibited in Bermuda. They don’t know what they are missing.
This blog is a complete work of fiction. None of the people represented here are real and the events never happened. And if they did, you can’t prove it.
Back to work on Monday… Oh no, no, I am not back to work am I? ... sorry Jon!
Good for you!!!
THE END
