Jurassic Snails
Today’s morning stroll saw me heading east across the island into the jungle. Ok it’s a public footpath, but it has palm trees and scary jungle creatures like chickens. apparently it was the day for jungle creatures. 10 minutes into my walk I was overtaken by an American on a horse. I followed the disused railway path right up to its conclusion. I then joined a pavement strolling past front gardens with banana trees in them. Eventually, the path ran out and I figured death under the wheels of a Bermudan lorry was not the way I wanted to end my holiday.
I back tracked and took a side road. Tribe Path 1. Tribe paths are roads that take you to the arse end of no where. The arse end of nowhere occurs frequently in Bermuda. I imagine the guys laying the roads just got too stoned to give a toss anymore or just stopped work for some rum to relax them before driving home. Tribe Path 1 seemed to lead to some nice houses. Then suddenly we were in the land that time forgot. By the side of the road lay a tiny frog.
He was about the size of my head and apparently dead, or asleep, or lying in wait for unsuspecting tourists. I hurried on. Soon the houses and driveways disappeared. I was walking through tropical jungle, down to Hungry Bay. You can’t imagine many tourists had ever ventured this far. Eventually, I reached the waters edge. There was a small jetty, a few boats and some houses nicer than any to be found in a 10 mile radius of Wolverhampton. One even had its own private beach.
This was indeed an idyllic spot. It got me thinking. We’ve been here nearly a week now and we haven’t disposed of a single grain of my mother in laws ashes. Could this be the spot? It would be nice if we could perhaps deposit them in a shell or something. I decide that as the best husband in the world, I would find snuckems a shell for the touching dumping ceremony! This would I hope prevent any further reoccurrence of the incident where the mother in law nearly blinded a load of Japanese tourists at the Hoover Dam.
First rock pool, nothing. Second rock pool, nothing. Third rock pool, no pool, just a whole selection of shells. Each one as big as my size 11 foot.
Escargot anyone? Honestly, what is this place? First killer toads, now snails that would not hesitate to eat you alive?? I decide not to check if the snail family were at home. What if I slipped and fell. To them my calves would merely be chonky cabbage leaves. I decide it’s best if I take a zig zag path out of the rock pools. I’m doubting they can run very fast anyway.
Almost at safety… what the hell!!
That my friends is like a shell fish cockroach!! (Technically, "Chiton tuberculatus") Honestly, I’m not gonna sleep tonight. Those bastards are probably going to be feasting on my athletic body! I’ve said many harsh things about fish in my time but no one deserves to have their face sucked off by giant radioactive escargot and aquatic cockroaches.
This is why I keep going back to Disneyland on holiday. There’s no chance of Mickey Mouse trying to suck your face off in the night.
I resolve to walk home down the road where the only scary wildlife encounters involve pot heads on scooters. I pop into the local supermarket to bulk by supplies for tomorrow as it will be Easter Sunday. Orange Juice, check, fruit, check, nuts, scratch. Oh I also get a large bag of Cadbury’s mini eggs because…. It’s a symbol of the resurrection of Jesus Christ! And chocolate, yum. The lady on the till can see I’m a useless bloke and packs my shopping into a carrier bag for me. I ask her if one bag is enough. I’m surprised she appears a little lost for words. She had naturally assumed I was asking her if one massive bag of mini eggs would be enough!!
Apparently she LOVES Cadbury’s chocolate but… I explain I meant the carrier bag. There’s a moment where our eyes meet across the check out conveyer belt. I feel I should offer her a mini egg. Would this make up for my racist impressions of locals in previous days? Would she fall head over heels in love with me? A wealthy visitor from a far off land… oh my… Is this going to be a marriage of convenience?? She just wants to escape this hell hole and come to live in Wolverhampton!! Not so fast lady!! I’m a happily married man!
Who would keep Snuckems in cocktails and handbags if I ran away with the lady from the minimart!!??! I make my excuses and leave.
I return to the hotel. You may remember we are on holiday and each day is not actually packed with non-stop fun and action for your amusement. For that I can only apologise. Did we have lunch and cocktails again today. Yes, yes we did. Did we go in the pool and the hot tub again. Yes, yes we did. These two “tasks” were in quick succession so one may assume we weren’t necessarily sober when entering the pool. So if anyone asks, we definitely weren’t the couple daring each other to shout “Heavy petting” louder and louder. As I write this, I’m really not sure it was funny at all. But you know alcohol? It has a very strange effect on you… yesterday “asparagus” was the funniest thing in the world. Today “heavy petting” is hilarious.
Our fun was interrupted as our attention was drawn to an old lady slowly entering the hot tub practically fully dressed. Well, shorts, vest top and a cardigan. Over a 10 minute period she performed possibly the worst striptease I’ve ever witnessed. She almost accidentally got water on her shorts and top. Don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t some sexy display. It was like she’d come here to do the dishes but had got confused and climbed into the sink. She eventually went completely wild, removed her cardie and plunged into the water. You remember the Timotei Shampoo advert, with the gorgeous model in a pool flicking her hair seductively. Yeah, nothing at all like that.
After all the steamy excitement of the pool we return to the bedroom for some quiet time of our own. I lie on the bed and the little lady stands over me… “Just keep still” she urges. “I won’t hurt you!” she comes closer and closer to me. As the tension rises I feel her slip something moist into my ear... Ceromul ear drops. Ear wax and swimming pools is not a great combination for the older gentleman. Sexy time over, I make myself a coffee and have some chocolate biscuits we purchased from Waitrose Bermuda. Ah the simple pleasures of a foreign holiday.
Missing you already. Wish you were here!
